Glee on Crack!
by Crack is a Hell of a Drug
Summary: The members of New Directions appear on the Crack Show, hosted by Crack is a Hell of a Drug. They tell their side of their harrowing experience with the demented Agnes Ashburn. Also, later in the show, Crack responds to some of your letters. Stay Tuned!


**This is mainly a crackfic to respond to all the reviews I've gotten so far. It also has Samchel in it. Don't like, don't read.**

**Glee is owned by Ryan Murphy and Fox. No money is made from this.**

**Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber is a creation of xxxBiEbErLoVeKiSsxxx as well as the story Sumbody 2 Luv. I would never make anything so obnoxious and vile. **

**Totally unbeta'd.**

**Enjoy!**

"Hey everyone! I'm Crack is a Hell of a Drug, you can call me Crack, and this is the Crack Show! Crack fics and talk made by Crack heads for Crack heads. On today's show, we have the Glee club, New Directions, from William H. McKinley High. If you didn't know, this club and the high school was the focus of the movie "Sumbody 2 Luv" screen play written by yours truly. It was based on the horrific true events that occurred in Lima, Ohio. The demented psychopath Agnes Ashburn, who calls herself Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber…"

***Crowd bursts into laughter***

"Yes, yes we all know it's a very stupid name. God only knows how she came up with something so asinine but that's what happens when you're retarded and on drugs. But what's not funny was the terror Agnes "Magenta" Ashburn showered upon the town of Lima. Now let's all give a warm welcomed to New Directions!"

***The club walks calmly onstage and the crowd goes wild!***

"Now just to introduce you all; here today we have Rachel Berry, Sam Evans, Finn Hudson, Quinn Frabray, Noah 'Puck' Puckerman, Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Lauren Zizes, Tina Cohen-Chang, Arthur 'Artie' Abrams, Mike Chang, and Mercedes Jones."

***Each member gives a small wave and smile as they are introduced***

Crack: Will Shuester sends his regrets that he could not be here but sends best wishes from his Honeymoon with Holly Holiday at the Elysian Nudist Resort and Commune in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Nice. Now we all know it's been a rough year for you guys. Could you tell us a little bit about what happened?

Rachel Berry: First off, as co-captain of New Directions; I would love to say thank you so much for writing "A Much Better Version of Sumbody 2 Luv." It was truly a masterpiece and so much better than that garbage Lola Mirt wrote. I mean she obviously only interviewed Magenta's demented side of the story. It was a truly horrific experience. My ears still aren't the same after hearing the nasally tone deaf attempt at singing. It wasn't just the physical pain she inflicted but the emotional pain. She kept calling me cow, stupid, and all sorts of plebian insults typical of a five year old. It was just baffling. This girl, and I use the term loosely as I'm sure she's a sexless bitch monster from outer space, comes out of nowhere and starts flinging the insults when I haven't even done anything.

Santana Lopez: Yeah I agree with Rachel. Her insults were stupid. You know how long it took me to think of Man-Hands? I mean, I'm an uber bitch and I own that, but Agnes's insults weren't even remotely clever. I know she was retarded or whatever but the least she could have done was come up with something original or funny. Cow? Really? Such an amateur.

***Rachel glares at Santana because that was soo not what she meant and the Latina former Cheerio knew that***

RB: _Anyway_, I'm just glad that the true story was able to be heard and that we were all able to star as ourselves. It was a great opportunity and I hope the Golden Globe and Oscar rumors are true! I had always planned on winning a Tony first, then breaking into mainstream movies but…

Puck: Ok before Berry talks our ears off about her OCD life plan…

***Rachel looks hurt at the interruption and dismissal of her carefully thought out goals but then Sam took her hand and kissed it and she lit up with happiness**.

Sam Evans: tìyan nga kalin

***Puck goes on, ignoring the sickeningly sweet love birds**.*

Puck: I just want to say that I was highly underplayed in the movie. I mean I was a victim of Magenta's delusion too. I mean, her fantasy cousin tried to hook up with me and shite. Something about how her cousin was emo, like I'd ever date an emo chick. Sure Lauren likes to dress up in her hot goth gear but that's totally different. I would never do an emo chick. I just want to make that clear, my badassness would not allow me to get with an emo.

Lauren: Aww babe I love you too. But if you ever mention what we do in our alone time, I will beat the crap out of you.

***Puck looks scared and turned on at the same time**.*

Crack: Yes, Puck I do have to apologize. I had written you in but for the sake of time and editing, your scenes had to be cut. If it makes you feel any better, you're heavily in my next book, Vatican Assassin: The Secret Council of World Religious Leaders.

***Puck smirks into the camera and fist pumps***

***The crowd cheers and claps***

Crack: Now Finn and Kurt, you were probably the one most traumatized by the events. Magenta had chosen both of your for her hallucination that led to the infamous Breadstix debacle. What were you feeling when she made the accusations that she was pregnant with a mix of your quintuplet's?

Kurt Hummel: Well Crack, I ran the gamut of emotions. I was sickened, humiliated, disgusted, and livid all at once. It was quite the emotional rollercoaster. I mean honestly, how could she think that someone with my fashion sense and good taste would ever step near her? And let's not forget, hello? I'm gay. Yeah. Full of the gayness. 100% happy and proud to be gay. I mean look at my boyfriend!

***Camera pans to the audience, focusing on Blaine Anderson. He gives a sheepish but genuine smile***

***Camera turns back to Kurt who is waving enthusiastically and blowing kisses. Kurt then flicks back his coiffed hair and looks serious**.*

KH: Honestly though. It was just appalled at her utter stupidity. I know it was a psychotic episode but even then I'm sure I wouldn't don to touch her. I do have to say you did take liberties with what I said when I found out that fateful day.

Crack: It felt appropriate and I mostly did it for dramatic effect.

KH: No I totally understand wanting to add the drama. It was what I was thinking but someone as refined and delicate as myself, wouldn't actually say that.

Crack: Duly noted. Finn? Have anything to add to the conversation?

***Finn looks nervous and not sure what to say**.*

Quinn Fabray: Well I have something to say. I think it was totally unfair how I was portrayed as some kind of promzilla and that Finn had wished he was still with Rachel.

***Sam and Rachel aren't paying attention because they are lost in their love for each other. Finn is totally still and scared because he knows how much of a scary bitch Quinn can be and has no idea what to say**.*

Finn Hudson: Ummm…ughhh.

***Quinn rolls her eyes and steamrolls over Finn's lame attempt to explain himself like she always does. She turns to him**.*

QF: God you are so stupid sometimes. I don't understand what your fascination with Ru Paul…

***Motions to Rachel***

QF: But we are meant to stay in Lima, get married, have kids, and that's the end of it!

Crack: I have to interject and defend my work. All of my information gathered for the part in question has been substantiated by witness accounts and by Finn's own admissions during my initial interviews. He had tried to retract but all he did was mumble and say incoherent sentences so I cut that part out because I wanted him to seem more sympathetic rather than a complete idiot.

***Before Quinn had time to retort, Crack turns her attention to the other members of Glee.***

Crack: Does anyone else have anything to say?

***Tina, Mike, Mercedes, and Artie look eager to say something. Brittany is playing with a loose thread on her shirt, looking like the happiest girl in the world**.*

Crack: Wait let me guess. Joke about Asian stereotypes, Sassy Black response? No one cares about your characters. It's why your parings are the least written about in fanfiction. Artie and Brittany on the other hand are quite mystifying. Do you have any comments?

Brittany Pierce: We're in California and it's 9 am. In Ohio it's 12pm. Does that mean we're in the past?

***The studio audience and everyone onstage is completely silent. Their minds are blown by the sheer awesomeness that is Brittany S. Pierce**.*

Artie Abrams: Sweetie, I'm so proud that you know that 9am comes before 12pm.

***Brittany gives a childlike smile and they give a small kiss. Audience awws**.*

Crack: Alright, on that bombshell we have to say goodbye to New Directions.

***ND leaves stage left and the crowd clapping. Rachel comes back on stage to bow then has to be dragged off patiently by Sam. The crowd hears Rachel yell "I need the applause to live!"***

"Now we go to the correspondence portion of the program. Here I answer any and all mail, thoughts, reviews, etc…Today's topic is about my award winning, most notably the Pulitzer Prize, NY Best Seller: A much better version of Sumbody 2 Luv. Critics have praised the piece as innovative, hilarious, and overall so much better than the piece of crap by Lola "xxxBiEbErLoVeKiSsxxx" Mirt. Here is what some had to say."

"this was seriously the funniest shit I've ever read. please do a sequel or something." By anon

"Brilliant" by Katie-Lou Rose

".Awesome." by PErp and billie

"So much better [than Lola's] i actually could stand to read it… an improvement in itself" by pinkcracker89

"Way Better…laughed the entire way through it, lol!" by marti1013

Crack: There is a whole bunch more and I just want to give a shout out to those who gave such positive reviews and thank you for your support. Now we go to the not so supportive comments and my response.

"OK WTF that was mess up i mean finnchel rocks all first but hat girl is like nuts like with crack and pot n everything mix into one" by Finnchel14

Crack: Really not sure what you are trying to say. Please rewrite review with coherent sentences and proper syntax. I can only guess you are upset with the Samchel element of my story. All I have to say is: Deal with it, but thanks for the review!

"Fuck u ok! Her name is MAGENTA-ROSE TOKYO BIEBER not Agnes Ashburn ok! Who the fuck do you think u r! U r soooooo mean like wtf have I haver done 2 u? Oh yet & principle figs insnt even in my storey so u fail! Oh yer & that letter bit is completely copied from my storey u copycat! & wtf is dr wu her doctors name is DR DRE ok! Fuck u fuck u fuck u!" by xxxBiEbErLoVeKiSsxxx

Crack: OK I am HIGHLY OFFENEDED BY THAT! Text speak, really? You're going to come at me with text speak? Do not talk to me unless it's with proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling. It offends me as an intelligent human being. Here, I'll help you out.

"Fuck you, ok! Her name is Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber, not Agnes Ashburn. Do you understand? Who the fuck do you think you are? You are so mean. What have I ever done to you? By the way, principal Figgins isn't even in my story. So you have not accomplished what you set out to do. That letter portion is completely plagiarized from my story as well! And who is Dr. Wu? The doctor in my story is named Dr. Dru. Good day, Sir!"

Crack: See? I can make any garbage you write palatable. As for some of your accusations, let me clear things up.

Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber is one of the dumbest names I have ever heard. Hands down, it's retarded. I have no idea how you came up with it other than it happens to be your favorite colour and you think it'd make a pretty name. It doesn't. It sounds like something a retarded hippy artist would name her kid while on drugs. So to make the story better, I gave her a real name and then explained that she wanted to be called Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber which turned out to be because she's demented and only a pre-teen idiot would want to be called that. (Sorry to those who are actually named Magenta-Rose but really, sue your parents.)

Principal Figgins and Dr. Wu: Yes I inserted Principal Figgins into the story. Your "storey" wasn't a story. A story has a beginning, middle, and end at the very least. All you had was random free thought that didn't go anywhere as well as terrible grammar; spelling, etc…I gave the story a plot. I explained what you were doing at WHMH in the first place and explained all the crazy things you had Magenta do. That is what makes a good story: Plot, characterization, coherent sentences, etc…I put in Dr. Wu because that's the name of the Asian doctor on Glee. Dr. Dre is not his name; it's the name of a well renowned rapper. He does not belong in this story, especially not the way you wrote it.

Plagiarizing, or as you called it "being a copycat." I did not steal your work. I quoted it and then gave you credit in the foot note. Since you seem to have no education in reading or comprehension let me explain. When one uses quotation marks (" ") it denotes that either the beginning or end of a quote, dialogue, definitions, and title of short works. In my case, I used them to quote from your horrible story, "Sumbody 2 Luv." A footnote is used when I want to give more information about something in the body of a text at the bottom of the page. Like this.* (HINT: Look at the very bottom of the page)

Also, I have tried to help you in the past. I was as patient as I could be and you disregarded all my advice; so yes, I feel I can be mean as I want. Because you had help but refused it.

"Oh btw my name is LOLA MIRT, not Lola Bieberkiss THAT'S NOT EVEN A NAME YOU MEXICAN."

Crack: I didn't know your last name so I made one up from your ridiculous penname to make fun of you in the story. I really hope that Lola Mirt is not your name otherwise you must really be retarded to give your name on an open site like ffnet. Also, "Mexican" is not an insult. While I might not be of Latina, Hispanic, or Latin American decent, I don't think to be one would be a terrible thing. I think that just shows your narrow minded view of the world and how ignorant you really are. It also makes me really sad that there are people like you in the world, troll or not.

¡Viva México! ¡Amor por México!

Crack: Ok this next one made me laugh.

"k so r u retarded? Half of this shit didn't even happen in her story and u are parodying it. u retard, u culdnt even do half as god as she can! xxx Lauar Paige." by Jellyxtimexbby

Crack: Sweetheart, insults like "retard" lose their effectiveness if written by one (you). Honestly, you spelled your own name wrong. Not to mention the plethora of misspelled words and incorrect grammar. Yes, I did parody the story "Sumbody 2 Luv," hence why it's in the parody section of Glee. Good job! Yes, I did add in a lot of things that didn't happen in Lola's story because hers wasn't an actual story. I'm too smart to write that terribly so I had to add things in order to make it a well written story. You're right, I didn't do half as well as she did; I did a million times better. I believe the readers agree with me. I also believe you and Lola are the same person, which is beyond pathetic and please do not come at me like you're my equal. You are not. You're an idiot and your reviews and stories reflect that. Hugs and Kisses! KthxBai!

Crack: So that's all I have for today folks! I hoped you enjoyed it and please let; xxxBiEbErLoVeKiSsxxx, Jellyxtimexbby, and any other stupid name and account "Lola' uses on ffnet how much better my story was than hers.

Thanks and Good day!

**A/N: Ah sophomore story. It'll be the one people say "it wasn't as good as the first." LOL!**

*Understand?


End file.
